And so it goes on...

Nothing much has really happened recently, other than the realisation that I'm not quite capable of achieving the final outcome that I want for my senior year but I already had an idea of that at the back of my mind. The days have begun to blend together, going by just a little to quickly for my liking but that was also to be expected.

I had a cross country in my school recently and once again made the team. Its odd to think that although everyone who seems to suffer from EDs are all different, there are many common characteristics in us. One of my old psychologists went through the list of many common traits displayed in anorexia sufferers and one of those was that they were often very good at distance running. Probably a mixture of both willpower and the amount of overexercise. She said that bulimics are commonly promiscuous and during that time I was. I went out a lot, probably to fill that feeling that something was missing.

Even though these things are very stereotypical its always interesting to see the differences and similarities that tell us whether or not we're the 'only one.' It blurs the line between whether your actions are yours or your illness, and it makes you question who you could possibly be.

From,
Dorcha Aingeal

Memory Lane

Today after a week of wasted self despair and isolation, I finally got over myself and decided to go out. Leaving the house voluntarily seems to be some kind of momentous occasion for me as it doesn't happen particularly often but nonetheless I was completely sick of myself. I met up with J and D, my usual hang out group because they were already planning to go out and had once again invited me along.

What I didn't expect was that I would encounter someone who I hadn't seen in years, one of my old primary school friends. Apparently J and D had arranged to meet L because they hadn't seen her in ages, which we haven't. To say the least it was a pretty alright day with no major hiccups and J and I once again being crowned the Pirate Masters (arcade game). Its interesting to see how L had changed so much yet remained the same in her core, it makes me wonder about myself and everyone else that I used to know.

How much can a person change?

From,
Dorcha Aingeal

The Art of Normalcy

I went to a friend's combined birthday party the other day and quite frankly it didn't go too badly. It was a movie followed by a dinner at a restaurant but now I have the supposed of my friend J so we were able to get through it. It was nice to say the least, because the group I sit with is quite large so outings together happen on very rare occasions. Afterwards I slept over at J's house, and by slept I mean stayed awake the entire time doing nothing of real consequence other than gaming and chatting.

The next day we wandered around and encountered an arcade, it felt oddly like a date and it makes me wonder if I could be falling for her.

The past few days haven't been that great with episodes of chaos but other than that they have been alright.

I hope you guys are doing alright.
From,
Dorcha Aingeal

Timebomb

That's what she called me, 'ticking time bomb' because she had to be careful around me just in case I exploded. The very person who I have been creeping around for years is scared of me. What is wrong with me? Have I become such a monster that the one person who I used to see as terrifying is afraid of me. I don't feel like I've changed, no one else says that I have so how come she is the only one who said this? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I have failed you so completely that you probably wanted to disown me. If I can't even look at myself, how could I possibly expect anyone else too?

Reckless, that's how I feel, numb to my own moral judgements. Summed up in words I only heard last night as 'a walking contradiction,' I don't want anyone to worry about my self destruction, I don't want anyone see me disappear completely. But I want someone, anyone to notice, to see that I'm not okay just because I make myself seem so strong. Isn't it completely obvious that there is something that isn't right? I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I'm so sorry.

From,
Dorcha Aingeal

Secrecy

It is a theme that seems to blanket my house, it runs in my blood. To the outside world we are a perfect family, a family with two parents who are happily married, a son and a daughter who do well in school and sport and they even have a pet dog. Nothing could be further from the truth, isn't it true that everyone wears a mask? If this was a fairy tale, the fact that we live in a house hidden away in the woods generally signifies that we have something to hide. And we do.


Everyone in this house is smothering themselves in their own hypocrisy, myself included. Maybe it is because of our secrets that we isolate ourselves from each other, we can go days without having a conversation with the very people we live with. Maybe its because of our isolation that we have so many secrets, if anyone even bothered to look at one another they would be able to see so many things that are happening.

But none of that happens and we all go on living our fairy tale lives.

From,
Dorcha Aingeal

Easter, oh the joy

Well that ended badly, my throat is killing me, I feel as guilty as I ever have and I'm ready to jump off a cliff about now. Why is life so difficult? Actually it's not the normally conceived hard or difficult things that I have trouble with. Assignments? No problem. Work? Sure. It's the simple things that never cease to defeat me, the things that should be easy are the very things I never seem to be able to achieve. Sleep? I don't even know the meaning of the word. Food? Let's not even talk about that. People? N/A Error has been reached.

I just want to be able to go through a day where people don't make things harder, where I don't make things harder.  No secrecy, no discussing these topics, just an average day where my life doesn't involve some inner conflict, that is all I want.

From,
Dorcha Aingeal

Disordered

To think that something as simple as making breakfast could so quickly become a facet of my disorder. My dad only ever eats bacon and eggs for breakfast, my brother and my mum aren't terribly fussy but now that I have been making it for so long it has just become another obstacle in my day.

If the eggs are over cooked, if they don't look pretty, then it's a bad day. If someone else tries to cook breakfast and makes it for me, it's a bad day. If something doesn't turn out exactly how I want it to, then it's a bad day. Pathetic. How do people even work like that? I would like to believe that each day is made up of both good and bad events but in reality, if certain small yet unfortunate things occur (like above example), then as if someone has turned off the lights, my day becomes completely dark and is classified as 'bad.'

For the rest of the week there are so many events that people have organised that are freaking me out. How do I avoid them? If I have to go then how to I avoid certain elements? This is probably why isolation is a common attribute of many disorders. There is both anxiety and secrecy surrounding them, and engaging with people only stimulates those feelings.

From,
Dorcha Aingeal